It is always so comforting to wake up when you are having a nightmare and realize that the situation you were in was not real. Like, when you notice your teeth are actually still… there.
Ricky had a beautiful wedding yesterday. Absolutely everybody was there. Because it’s Ricky. And he means too much for each one of us.
He was the one holding Sharon’s hand when she became a mother at 16. He saved Rayanne’s life in more than one occasion. He offered Brian a shoulder to cry on when he needed one. He opened my eyes about how I actually felt about Brian before even I could understand my own feelings.
Still, he called me up before the ceremony and said he didn’t think he could handle it.
Ricky spent most of his life saving us. Putting others first. He said that his past, the fact that he had had an abusive family that wouldn’t accept him, the living in the streets and everything that happened before he was adopted by Mr. Katimsky had transformed pain in a safe place for him. Like… he was afraid of happiness just because he wasn’t familiar with it… even though he had wished for it so much.
I suppose, sometimes, people wish for things not realizing that, in reality, they couldn’t handle them if they weren’t just dreams… no matter how good their dreams are.
I told him he was the bravest person I knew… and that he could do anything. Including being happy.
And then, I realized, I was just like Ricky.
I guess… I’ve been wishing for Brian to leave. Or at least, fantasied about it. But I didn’t exactly had a plan… like, a life plan, that didn’t involve him. I did not expect or even believed anything could happen.
So, this morning, when I woke up and he wasn’t there… I felt scared. And lost. Which is weird because, in my fantasies I always felt free. This is not how I feel today, at all.
I thought this would make me happy. But… it turns out… I don’t know how to handle it.